Obsoletely Fabulous/Transcript
Credits. Caption: You Can't Prove It Won't Happen. :['''Scene': Outside Roboticon 3003. Robots file into the "World's Largest Robot Trade Show (Formerly Roboticon 3002)". Fry walks in with Bender.]'' :['''Cut to': Roboticon 3003. Bender passes under a soul detector that looks like a metal detector at an airport. It doesn't beep and he walks on. Fry walks under and it beeps and red lights flash. He gasps.]'' Man: $10, please. Fry: Aw, man! :reaches into his pocket. :Lapse. Leela looks around the robot presentation booths and sees Nannybot 1.0. It holds a baby in its arms and speaks in a booming voice. Nannybot 1.0: Sleep, little dumpling. I have replaced your mother. :mouth opens and a bottle of milk comes out on its tongue. The baby drinks from the bottle. Leela: Aw! :Lapse. Bender picks something up at a toy booth. Bender: Oh, my God! Robot beely-boppers! Fry: And there's a robot scratching post. bat around a beer bottle on the scratching post. You should try it out, Bender. Bender: Please, I have some dignity! :beely-boppers bounce around on his head. :Lapse. Wernstrom presents his Killbot at the "Wernstrom's Killbots" booth. Wernstrom: Ladies and gentlemen, my Killbot features Lotus Notes and a machine gun. It is the finest available. :to his booth is a "Housewives Prefer Farnsworth's Killbots" booth. Farnsworth: Like fun it is, you glass-headed wallaby! Wernstrom: No one calls me that! I'm having at you! Farnsworth: Wernstrom! :start to "fight". Farnsworth's Killbot: Such senseless aggression. Wernstrom's Killbot: Come on. Let's go for a paddle-boat ride. :Lapse. Bender bats around the bottle on the scratching post. Fry and Leela leave. :Lapse. People walk into an auditorium that features the "Roboticon Annual Product Announcement". Bender, Fry, Leela and Farnsworth sit ready for Mom's speech. Farnsworth has a plaster on his head and Bender is holding the bottle and half of the spring. Bender: The secret was scratching really, really hard! :lights dim. Announcer: loudspeaker And now, the woman who Mom-opolises the robot industry-- Fry: shouting I get it! Announcer: loudspeaker Mom! :word "Mom" appears on a huge screen and robots carry Mom onto the stage. Fry: shouting Oh, now I get it! :robots set Mom down and she starts to knit. Mom: Hello, dearies. :crowd cheers. Bender: Woo! I love that old bat! Mom: Ladies and gentlemen, for the 17th year in a row, the future of robotics has arrived. Boys? Larry and Igner come up in the middle of the stage in a puff of smoke. I give you ... Robot 1-X! :elbows Larry in the stomach. Larry: Ow! :elbows Igner. Igner: Ow! Oh! :pulls a sheet off something. Robot 1-X is a small, white robot with no legs nor any distinguishing facial features except for a large purple "eye". The crowd "ooh's" and Robot 1-X starts hovering. They take photos of it. Bender: Neat! :takes a photo. Mom: Quite frankly, Robot 1-X will put all my previous models to shame. Incidentally, would one of my previous models mind coming up here? :robots in the audience cheer and wave their hands. Bender starts climbing over the top of them. Bender: Right here! I'm comin'! C'mon, baby! I'll do it! C'mon, Mom! :Refreshment-bot waves his fist. Refreshment-bot: Jerk! :climbs onto the stage with his bottle still in his hand. Bender: Here we go. I'm your top of the line, Mom. :takes a swig from his bottle. Mom: Notice that this obsolete robot runs on alcohol and emits pollution. Whereas Robot 1-X runs on pollution and emits pure oxygen with a fresh pine scent. :belches fire and Robot 1-X sucks it in and disperses a green gas from its head. Bender sniffs. Bender: Man, that smells great! Mom: Now, let's see how both robots do at a typical household task: Sorting a jar of pocket change. :and Walt hand Bender and Robot 1-X a jar each. Robot 1-X tips the change into its hands and counts it quickly. Robot 1-X: Task completed. Total value, $4.73 and one Albanian lek. :hands the change to Mom. Mom: Very good, Robot 1-X. And you, bending unit? Bender: Uh, I never got the change. sniggers. Suckers. Mom: Presenting Mom's Friendly Robots. :lights on the stage dim and spotlights come down on Bender and Robot 1-X. Banners fall behind them. The one behind Bender says "Before" and the one behind Robot 1-X says "After". The "Before" banner hits Bender on the head and he falls over. The jar of change falls out of his chest cabinet and smashes on the stage. The audience cheers. :Lapse. The crew are back among the stalls and booths. Bender: That new robot is great, huh? Sure made me look like a pile of crap! Farnsworth: Indeed. That's why I bought one to help around the office. :holds up a blister-packed Robot 1-X. Bender presses his face against it. Bender: hoarse Eep! :['''Scene': Planet Express: Lounge. Robot 1-X hovers in the middle of the room and the crew sans Bender are gathered around it.]'' Leela: Let's try him out. Robot 1-X, can you clean Nibbler's stanky litterbox? Robot 1-X: I can and will. :sucks up the litter and dark matter, cleans the box and replaces it with fresh litter and a fresh pine scent. Bender: Hey, I could have done that if you'd asked me. Leela: I asked you five minutes ago. :1-X picks up Nibbler, kisses him and puts him in the litterbox. Bender: You call that a kiss? I'll show you! stands up and picks up Nibbler. C'mere, Nibbler! :kisses Nibbler and Nibbler struggles and squeals. Farnsworth: Oh, look, Bender. If you want something to do stop making out and give us a hand. :holds something. Hermes: Here. Go up on the roof and install this fake satellite dish so we can impress the neighbours. Bender: Yes, sir. I'm on it! :walks out. Hermes: Oh, and have Robot 1-X help you. :groans. :['''Scene': Planet Express Roof. Bender stands on the dome and nearly falls back but regains his balance. He starts welding the dish to the roof while Robot 1-X hovers nearby.]'' Bender: Get outta here, freshman! I don't need your help. Robot 1-X: Our owners asked me to assist you. Bender: Yeah? Well assist this! :takes a swipe at Robot 1-X but misses and falls off the roof. He screams as he falls. Robot 1-X quickly welds the satellite dish to the roof, and flies down to catch Bender. :['''Cut to': Outside Planet Express. The staff walk out through the entrance just in time to see Robot 1-X catch the falling Bender. Bender groans.]'' Bender: When I screamed "help" I didn't mean you! Robot 1-X: I apologise. However, I was able to do your job before I saved your life. :staff applaud and Bender growls. :['''Scene': Planet Express: Lounge. Fry, Farnsworth, Amy and Leela sit watching All My Circuits. Robot 1-X hovers next to Fry. Bender hops into the room in a dustbin.]'' Bender: Don't mind me. I'm just saving you the trouble of throwing me away. Amy: Spleesh! Mell out, Bender. Come watch some TV. :struggles inside the bin. Bender: I can't. I'm stuck in the can. Leela: Well, ask Robot 1-X to pull you out. Bender: Never! :throws his hand in the air, loses his balance and falls over while still in the bin. Leela: Why can't you accept his help? Bender: I hate him. Leela: But he's just a tool to make your life easier. Like a socket wrench or a burglar's kit. :rolls around to face the crew. Bender: I can't ask for his help because-- :staff turn to him. Farnsworth: Yes? Bender: whispering I'm scared of him. :bursts out laughing then notices the rest of the crew aren't. Leela: Oh, sorry. Farnsworth: Well then there's only one solution: You need an upgrade to make you compatible with Robot 1-X's new technology. :gasps. Bender: An upgrade? But I thought we all agreed I was perfect! Fry, didn't we agree I was perfect? Fry: Oh, yeah, no, you're pretty perfect. :rolls so he is facing the opposite direction. Bender: Pretty perfect? So, you do think I need an upgrade? Farnsworth: Yes! For God's sakes, yes! Bender: crying Fine. I'll be back in a few days. :rolls out through the door and the staff go back to watching TV. :['''Scene': Mom's Friendly Robot Company Factory. Robots stand on a conveyor belt and pass under signs advertising upgrade specials including X-Ray Vision, Arm Extension and Neon Crotch. In front of Bender is Roberto and behind is Fatbot.]'' Roberto: Man, I hate those new 1-X robots. I'd like to stab 'em! Give 'em some of these! :starts stabbing the air with his fist and making his trademark nutcase noise. Bender: Yeah! Right on, nutcake! Roberto: Parole officer says I gotta upgrade or he won't give me back my stabbing knife. But it's no big. I hate those 1-X so much I know it won't affect me. piece of machinery grabs him and lifts him off the conveyor belt and puts him on the upgrade machine. His arms are clamped to the machine and something comes down around his face. Death to the 1-X robots! technician throws a switch and the upgrade starts. Electricity zaps around Roberto's head then stops. The machine around his face comes away. I love those magnificent 1-X robots! The 1-X robots are my friends. Bender: W-W-Wait! What happened to your enthusiasm for stabbing them? Roberto: I'm past that. Later, blood! :slides out sideways through a door. Bender: It's like he's not him anymore. is placed on the upgrade machine. The technician resets it. You took away his robo-humanity. technician throws the switch and Fatbot trembles as Bender is upgraded. I changed my mind! :pulls his arms away from the restraints and breaks away from the machine. The technician ducks as Bender jumps through a window. :['''Scene': Outside Mom's Friendly Robot Company Factory. Bender lands face down on a riverbank next to some seagulls. He sits up.]'' Bender: I did it! I escaped! But to what kind of a life? seagull squawks. I'm too scared to get the upgrade but I can't face my friends again without it. cries and walks over to a "Boating Prohibited" sign, rips it down and folds it into a boat. He climbs into it and pushes it away from the riverbank. And so I set sail for unknown shores. Oh, merciful Poseidon, take pity on this mechanical mariner. sails away from the land towards and storm. Oh, jeez! :['''Scene': The ocean waves roll and batter Bender's boat around.]'' Bender: shouting Curse you, merciful Poseidon! :['''Scene': Desert Island Beach. Day breaks and Bender finds himself washed up on a beach. He gets up.]'' Bender: Boy, what is the deal with the ocean? A tropical island, huh? Well, I've washed up on worse places. OK, first up, I'm gonna need to build a shelter. walks across the beach, lies down, picks up a rock and dumps it on top of him. There. Well, I guess I'll go out for a while. :pushes the rock away and gets up. :Lapse. On the beach, Bender has spelled out "HELP" in rocks but the last letter is unfinished so it looks like "HELF". Bender: Damn. One rock short of rescue! :message is a lot longer that "HELF". It reads "To Whom It May Concern: I, Bender, Bid You Hello! You Don't Know Me, Though You May Have Heard Of Me. But That's Not The Point. Long Story Short... I Need Helf". He walks off muttering to himself. :['''Scene': Desert Island Cliff. Night has fallen. Bender stands on the edge of a cliff rotating his head. A light shines out of his eyes and he looks like a lighthouse. He makes a foghorn noise. The light goes out.]'' Bender: Oop! Low on power. chuckles. Better fuel up! bottle is empty. Oh, no! Guess I'll do what I always do when I run out of booze. :falls to his knees and bursts into tears. :['''Scene': Desert Island Jungle. Bender digs a hole.]'' Bender: Don't panic, I've got these yams. I'll just make some yam schnapps. :takes a blender out of his chest cabinet and puts the yams in. He holds the plug and looks for somewhere to put it. He plugs it into a tree but nothing happens so he tries a beehive but still nothing. :Lapse. He tries a wild boars nose. The boar growls. Bender: Hey, I should be mad at you! Now turn around. :['''Scene': Desert Island Beach. Bender is back under his rock. He has developed five o'clock rust around his mouth and is muttering to himself. He sees a six pack of beer walking towards him and gasps.]'' Bender: Beer! throws the rock off him. The beer is a hallucination and is nothing more than six birds trapped in a six pack ring. Bender tries to pull one out and it bites him. Ow! :drops them and they run off. :Lapse. Another night has fallen and Bender lies on his side on the beach. He hears drums and looks around. Bender: Who ... is ... it? coconut drops on his head. Ow! :looks up and sees a cymbal-banging monkey in a tree. Three shadows creep over him and everything goes dark. :Lapse. Next morning the unconscious Bender is fed something from a coconut half. He comes around and sees a Fembot, two robots and the monkey. The Fembot, Lisa, has a waterwheel in the middle of her body. Bender: Who are you and why should I care? :of the robots, a Cartridge Unit, reaches into a bag hung around him, pulls out a cartridge labelled "Introduction" and puts it in. Cartridge Unit: voice Side A. voice We're a community of outdated robots who refused to upgrade and came here-- takes the cartridge out, flips it over and puts it back in. voice Side B. voice To live a simpler existence, free of technology. Bender: A working cartridge unit? Wow! You guys went obsolete years ago! :Unit takes out a "Snappy Response" cartridge and puts it in. Cartridge Unit: Your mother. Lisa: What Cartridge Unit means is the very things that make us obsolete also make us unique. I, for example, need to keep refilling my waterwheel or I'll power down forever. wheel runs dry and she panics. screaming Oh, God! I'll never make it this time! This is the end! runs down the beach and into the sea. The wheel refills and she walks out. talking Anyway, we like it here. Bender: Like you have a choice. turns to the other robot, a Sinclair 2K. So what's your problem? Sinclair: Not enough... uh-- :scratches his head. Bender: Memory? Sinclair: Oh, great. Now I remember that word but I forgot my wife's face. :waterwheel dries out again. Lisa: screaming Oh, God, no! I want to live! leaps into the water again then calmly returns to the group. talking If you'd like, you're welcome to join our society. :stands up. Bender: Look, no offence, but I need technology. Especially email and snowmobiles. And television! Without television how will I know what's buzz-worthy? Sinclair: Why would you wanna watch TV when you can watch a snail crawl for hours on end? Bender: That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. :Lapse. The robots watch a snail crawling. Bender: Oh, man! He's never gonna make it over that next pebble! Wait, wait! Oh, my God! He made it! :high five. Lisa: Yeah! Sinclair: Way to go! :monkey bangs its cymbals. Bender: That was the greatest thing ever! Let's party! [He takes a CD out of his chest cabinet and puts it in his mouth, which acts as a CD player. He starts dancing to Kenny Loggins' ''I'm Alright.]'' Yeah, baby! C'mon! Lisa: Where did you get that CD? Bender: It's one of my ten desert island discs. I never really thought I'd get to use them. But look at me now. Ooh, yeah, baby! Do that thang! Lisa: CDs are unnatural. Why don't you just listen to the ocean? Bender: Which ocean? That ocean? turns around and listens. Whoa! It's like the earth is making sweet, salty love to itself while all the fish groove on it. So much for this garbage. empties the other discs out of his chest cabinet and stamps on them, cracking and breaking them. Take that, Beethoven, you deaf bastard! :Lapse. Next morning Bender swings in a hammock listening to the monkey banging its cymbals. Bender: Bang, bang, bang. You sure got this life thing figured out, cymbal-banging monkey. Lisa: Hi, Bender. We know how much you miss technology, so we brought you this washing machine that drifted ashore. :and Cartridge Unit drag a washing machine up the beach. Bender gasps and runs towards it. He opens the door and looks inside. Bender: Ooh! I'm gonna wash my linen so hard the w-- turns around and sees the robots staring at him. He stands up and closes the door and looks around at the simple beach huts and the mother boar feeding her children. He picks up the washing machine and throws it into the bay. You--! :kicks it and hits it. The robots watch him and mutter. Lisa: What? I don't understand. Sinclair: Is he alright? Bender: Wretched technology has brought me nothing but misery! :Unit takes a "State The Obvious" cartridge out of his bag and puts it in. Cartridge Unit: But, Bender, you are technology. You're the most advanced thing on this entire island. :looks at his reflection in the water. Bender: Oh, it's true. I am a hideous triumph of form and function. turns around. But not for long! :Lapse. Night has fallen. Banging sounds come from inside a beach hut and Bender screams in pain. Bender: hut Oh! Ow, that hurt! Oh! :Lapse. Morning breaks. Lisa: hut The downgrade is complete! :hut door opens and Bender walks out. Except for his eyes and mouth his entire body has been replaced with wood. Bender: Behold, my hand crafted purity. The modern world can bite my splintery, wooden ass! :woodpecker lands on his shoulder and pecks at his head. Bender sighs. Lisa: Welcome to your new life of simple tranquillity. Bender: Pft! Forget that. I say the whole world must learn of our peaceful ways. By force! :robots gasp. Cartridge Unit takes out a "What?!" cartridge and puts it in. Cartridge Unit: What?! Bender: We're going back to civilisation to wage war on technology! :Unit ejects the cartridge then puts it back in again. Cartridge Unit: What?! :['''Scene': Night again. Under the sea, an oar-powered submarine glides through the water just above the seabed.]'' Bender: submarine Row, comrades! Row! :['''Cut to': Submarine. Bender heads his crew who row while sitting in knee-deep water.]'' Bender: We'll soon stage an attack on technology worthy of being chronicled in an anthem by Rush! Lisa: We've been sailing for three weeks. Maybe I should check our position with the periscope. :pulls it down. Bender takes it from her, looks through it and gasps. Bender: Mirrors reflecting mirrors? Hi-tech sorcery! Sorcery, I say! :breaks the periscope and hits it against the walls. Lisa: Did you see anything? Bender: Yep, we're there. Prepare to surface! :['''Scene': Outside Submarine. The submarine surfaces and the crew climb out through the top.]'' Bender: And now, technology shall taste the lash of the hickory switch! :['''Montage': The robots swing through the streets of New New York. They use magnets to pull gadgets out of a shop called The Sharper Gadget and cheer. At a rocket test field, a rocket takes off. The robots jump on it, it crashes and they hit and kick it. Outside Mom's Friendly Robot Company factory, the crew stand atop their vessel, load a rock into a catapult and fire. It blocks a sewage pipe, the building fills with sewage and it comes out through the windows. At the Cookieville Orphanarium, Bender sneaks through a window and smashes a night light. The orphans cry and Bender cackles.]'' :['''Scene': Outside Submarine.]'' Sinclair: Technology is defeated. Let us return to the island and celebrate by counting rocks! :Unit, Lisa and he cheer. The monkey bangs its cymbals. Cartridge Unit: I'm for that! Bender: Whoa, whoa! No one wants to count rocks more than me. But our mission is not complete. Not so long as Robot 1-X torments me with his obvious superiority. Ready the catapult, Sinclair. loads a rock into the catapult. The submarine faces the Planet Express building. Aim for their power lines. They're the devil's veins and electricity is his blood. Lisa: Bender, If we don't survive the attack, I want you to know ... I love you. Bender: OK, fine. Fire! :fires the catapult. :['''Cut to': Outside Planet Express. The rock hits the pylon at the back of the building and sparks fly from it.]'' :['''Cut to': Planet Express: Hangar. The lights go out.]'' Farnsworth: shouting Oh! I'm blind! Leela: Professor, we have no power. Farnsworth: What do you mean "no power"? We're living in the future. Leela: I'd better light some candles. :claps her hands and candles around the room start burning. A rock crashes through the wall. The crew turn around and gasp. Bender climbs through the hole. Bender: Friends, I've come to free you from your complicated lives. Free you from the "complicated" part I mean not the "lives" part. Leela: Oh, Lord, he's made of wood! What now, Bender? Bender: I got a downgrade! I'm a steam-powered wooden robot, just as nature intended. Therefore, I must kill Robot 1-X. Farnsworth: That's just stupid. :1-X hovers next to Bender hitting itself with a sledgehammer. Robot 1-X: Does Mr. Bender wish me to destroy myself? :knocks the sledgehammer away. Bender: I don't need your charity. turns to the hole. shouting Target Robot 1-X and fire! :staff hear the sound of the rock being fired from the catapult and whistling through the air. They wince. Time passes as they wait for the rock. Hermes looks at his watch and goes back to being tense. The rock flies through the hole and hits and dents the ship. Farnsworth: You wanged my ship, you walnut-panelled idiot! Bender: shouting Try again, Sinclair. I said "target Robot 1-X"! Sinclair: from submarine Who's Robot 1-X? Launching. :fires the rock and it screams through the air. The staff wait, tense. Zoidberg: So, I guess everything worked out fine. :rock flies through the hangar roof and Zoidberg screams. The rock smashes a leg off the ship and it tips over, trapping the crew under its wing. Leela: Great! Now we're being crushed. :fuel tank leaks fuel. It dribbles around the ship and in front of the trapped crew. Amy: Help us, wooden Bender! :stares as the fuel leak reaches a candle. The flame ignites it and the staff are trapped behind a wall of fire. Bender: Heck! Those guys hate fire! I gotta do something. climbs down a ladder and walks towards a fire extinguisher on the wall. His left leg snaps and termites pour out from inside it. What the--? Termites? Well, I don't need legs to save my friends. I'll just use the old extentromatic arms! :reaches up to the fire extinguisher but his arms don't stretch and instead just fall off. Hermes: Bender, hurry! This fuel's expensive! Also shouting we're dying! Bender: I'm a-comin' turns over, extends his eyes and starts walking towards the flames with them. He catches fire. Ow! Lousy primitive body! Oh, why didn't I get that upgrade? I'm an outdated piece of junk! :1-X flies over him. Robot 1-X: Sir, might I recommend-- Bender: You shut up. No, wait! I can use you as a tool to save my friends and I'll still be the hero who everyone says how great he was! Robot 1-X: How may I help you? :flames on Bender flare up and he screams. Bender: Save my friends! screams. And Zoidberg! :1-X's hands turn into fans. It blows the flames out and lifts the ships wing. The staff climb out from underneath it. A lot of Amy's hair has been burnt off. Amy: Look! My hair got singed into an even cuter do! Fry: Hey, where's Bender? Bender: Down here. crew look down and wince. Bender is nothing more than a pair of eyes, a face and a pile of ash. Hermes gasps. I'm so sorry, guys. I never meant to hurt you. Just to destroy everything you ever believed in. Leela: Well, at least you saved us from, uh, you. Thank God you finally overcame your incompatibility with Robot 1-X. Bender: Oh, yeah, we were totally in sync! I was like "Save them!" and he was all "No problem!" and then he did it-- :['''Cut to': Mom's Friendly Robot Company Factory. Bender is still on the machine. His whole experience was a dream.]'' Bender: This new technology is great! machine stops. I love those magnificent 1-X robots. The 1-X robots are my friends! :trembles. Fatbot: It's like his personality is totally different now! Oh, maybe this upgrade isn't such a good idea. :technician shuts off the machine. Bender: I'd like to give Robot 1-X a big smooch on the-- looks around. Hey! What's the dealy-o? Technician: Your upgrade is complete. Bender: But I destroyed the technology of the world. I ran on the beach and felt the sand between my foot cups. Technician: shrugging Everyone experiences the upgrade differently. Bender: Oof. If that stuff wasn't real, how can I be sure anything is real? Is it not possible, nay, probable, that my whole life is just a product of my or someone else's imagination? Technician: No, get out. presses a button and the conveyor belt starts up. Next. :slides out. :['''Cut to': Outside Mom's Friendly Robot Company Factory. Bender walks out and watches three police cars chase another car down the street.]'' Bender: Well, I guess reality is what you make of it. crosses the road and walks down a flower-lined path with a white horse and lush trees nearby. He takes out a cigar and a fairy lights it for him. Oh, thanks, baby! :carries on walking and whistling through his imagination. :Credits. Category:Season 4 Scripts Category:Episode Transcripts Category:Transcripts